I need to get some things off my chest. Fuck what you think, it needs to be said/done.
I want to talk to said people about times past. It's been 8 months and now I feel ready to sit down and talk. I've made something of myself. Truesay, I'm not entirely happy but who is? I need to confront the past and find out why. I need to know why I was always the metaphorical punchbag, why it was me who was never good enough. It's taken me this long to realise that the only reason I was as shit as they told me was because they held me back. I am who I am because of me. The people I meet along the way are just obstacles. People can be overcome too.
I need to tell certain other people how I feel. Not because it's grinding away at my soul, it's because I'm sick of being told 2 different things. Either you care or you don't, I assumed it was that fucking simple.
Why should I keep jeopardising my happiness just to stop conflict? It seems not to make sense, but think about it. Going behind his girlfriend's back is only gonna end in tears. He doesn't know how I feel and I don't know where it'll end up. All I do know is that I can't stand seeing him being treated like shit whilst everyone we know is telling us to be together. That's what breaks my heart, not the "will they won't they" business.
On another note, I feel a bit shit about how I've treated some people recently. I don't mean to shout, cry, bitch, cuss and... STUFF. It's just who I am. My problem is my pride. I find it hard to say sorry, especially when I know I've done something wrong (but not just me). So this is how I do it... I'm sorry for being a pain in the ass.
There's still something missing, and I think I'm close to giving up trying to find it. It needs to find me.
