So, the last time I logged into this was way back in 2009... it's definitely been an eventuful few years.
In that time I've been in and out of work and started at uni in Sunderland. The things I could say about people might be slanderous so I won't even start. What I will say is that in my last job in met the man of my dreams. Naturally, at the time I thought he was a total prick - as you do! Over the last year he has been my absolute rock. We've been on and off because he's got his problems and I've certainly got mine. It would seem though, that no matter how bad it gets I know I can always open up with him. We've got 2 things a lot of others dont - honesty and trust. He talks to me, tells me everything. By the end of the conversation we both end up wondering what we were worried about in the first place. At the moment we're off, but we still talk every day and the prospect of getting it back together. Clichés come about for a reason - you DO know when it's right :)
So anyway, I thought I'd get back on here to straighten a few things out in my mind. At the moment, I can't say that I'm enjoying myself. I love uni don't get me wrong, it's just everything else. You think someone understands and then you find out that they really don't and they're actually doing everything in their power to hold it against you. I've been honest from day one about the state of my mental health - and sometimes hearing a phrase like that fills people with dread. Mental Health. What does it mean to you?
To me, it means memories you can't ever quite escape from that shape who your are. From massive things like your mood, to the parts people don't think about like your sleeping pattern. My life has been shaped by a series of traumatic events. Some days I cope, some days I don't - it's that simple. Some days I can get up and have an absolutely lovely day, sometimes I cry myself to sleep at night and can't bare to face another human being. It's what depression and PTSD do to someone... Oh, but PTSD is the Soldier's Disease. WRONG. VERY WRONG. I won't go over events from as far back as 2004 and 2008, but some of the events of 2011 will always have an impact on what goes on in my life and the choices I make.
You'd think a hospital is somewhere you'll feel safe, somewhere you'll leave feeling better than when you went in. I can't say that that's the case for when I was in Hong Kong. Again, I won't go into specifics but don't ever read your own medical records if you get the chance. They called it a "Physchotic Episode", I call it "being distressed at having not eaten for a week or drunk for 5 days and being sent home 3 times previously with the same problem despite barely being able to get out of bed when the vomiting didn't stop".
I guess that some people in life are made scapegoats, and I am one of those people. I am one of those people where everything bad will be put on me and everything good will be none of my doing. I accept that now. Everywhere I go there is someone prepared to have a pop over the tiniest thing. I've reached the stage where I don't even know what I'm doing wrong so I barely open my mouth. On the other side of the coin, some people are just bullies - nasty, selfish bullies. I won't be made to feel worse than I already do because one person has an issue with who I am and how I deal with my problems. If I've done something wrong, tell me. Talk to me about it like I'm an adult, don't shout at me like I'm 5 years old and slam doors like you're the 5 year old. We're 20 and 21, grow up. It just goes to show that Private Education doesn't teach you about respect for other people. Selfish bitch.
End of rant. Although I daresay I'll be ranting a lot more in the next couple of years. Grr.
x
No comments:
Post a Comment