I spend a lot of time in quiet contemplation. A lot of friends have told me I'm the quiet one you have to watch out for, because "even a Saint loses their patience" - and as my dad says "When you're not talking, you're listening and someone listening is what scares people".
I listen because I want to understand, and I talk because I want to be understood. Language fascinates me because it's all about understanding and comprehension. What one person takes one way, another will take another way. When I won't vocalize how I feel it's not because I don't want to. I'd talk all day if I could. From somewhere I found confidence, and 18 months into Uni I can finally initiate a conversation with a stranger. It's only taken 21 years but I got there :)
On the other side of the coin, this newfound 'confidence' has left me feeling lost. I don't know how to talk to people any more, I don't know what to say to my friends. I am feeling so much anger and frustration about the way things are that even I can't find the words. Motormouth's run out of petrol, Little Miss Chatterbox has had her mouth sewn shut. I just don't know what to say any more. I've got all these thoughts and feelings in my head and I can't find the words. People seem to find it unusual, and I've had the "you've changed" and "I can't handle you any more" conversation with so many people so many times. It's killing me that there is nobody I know who could understand how I feel and I can't find the words to try and explain it. I could try now, but I'm not sure where to begin - so maybe words of 1-2 syllables might start me off...
I am frustrated. I am frustrated because I am in pain and I want it to go away and nobody can tell me when it's going to end. I feel like part of me has been taken away and I want it back. I miss being shy, I miss being reserved, and I miss being able to keep my temper to myself.
I am angry. I am angry because I can't do the things I used to. I'm not living a normal life any more. I am angry because Calvin said he'd always be there for me and he hasn't been and I know it's my own stupid fault for pushing him away and trying to do everything on my own. I am angry because I know I fucked up one too many times after finding this new sense of "self". I'm angry at myself for still being in love with him, and wanting to be with him, even though I don't want to be any more. I am angry because I just want to be friends but I can't pu tmy feelings to one side. I am angry because so many times when I thought we were really over he's come back and said he loves me again. I'm angry at Phay and Lisa for not letting him be a proper dad. I'm angry at Phay for taking the boys back from him because it means that I can't see them (how selfish is that? They're not even my kids - technically they're nothing to do with me). I'm angry because you have girls like Katie who don't give a shit about their kid when Calvin's been battling for fuck knows how long to be able to see Riley. I'm angry at Lisa for not letting Calvin be a dad, even though I've never met the girl. I'm angry because if Calvin had made time to just talk to me that night I wouldn't have gone for the fag that ended up with me going arse over tit and buggering my arm in.
I am lonely. I'm lonely because I'm 300 miles from home and somehow still managing to push my friends away even though I desperately need them. I'm lonely because I can't make up my mind how I feel. I'm lonely because I couldn't just bite the bullet and tell Scott how I've felt since day one so now I've ended up in love with two people and it's killing me. I'm lonely because I got used to sharing a single bed with Calvin most nights... and even after we broke up we still kept finding ourselves in bed cuddling and talking about how one day we'd be together and I fucking fell for it like a mug. I'm lonely because I love too much - I've wanted to be with Scott since I was about 12 but I feel like I couldn't because of Calvin. I know which one I can see my future with, and that's what's tearing me apart.
I am lost. I'm lost because I'm doing what's right by me but I'm still not happy. I love being at Uni and I know it'll be worth it at the end, but seeing all the girls around me settling down and having babies is making me jealous. Whole-heartedly jealous. Why don't I have someone looking after me, why don't I have someone to come home to, why am I doing everything by myself? Why do I feel like the one who's been left behind because I'm trying to make something of myself. What is so bloody wrong with me that nobody wants me? What am I doing that is so bloody awful that no fella out there wants to take me on and treat me like I'm the only girl in the world? When am I going to find a man who doesn't treat me like my feelings can be shoved to one side like I'm not a person too?
I am afraid. I'm afraid of so many things that are so trivial and that I've never been afraid of before. I've developed something not far off phobic about being sick - these painkillers make me feel nauseus and when I start feeling like that I want to cry and have a panic attack. "After everything that happened in Hong Kong I'm not surprised Bry. I wish I was there lookin after you. Go and get some sleep, call me when you feel a bit better or if you need to before, yeah?" Why isn't he there doing that for me now? Who can I now talk to at all hours when this completely irrational fear starts taking hold and I become some stupid, quivering mess? I'm afraid of being left on my own like this for the rest of my life, like nobody is ever going to be prepared to look after me the way I need looking after. I've spent my entire life looking after other people, where's everyone gone now I need them?
I am destructable. I am not the strong, independent person who bounces back all the time. I put a smile on and say it's all okay, and I'm fed up of it. Every time I think I'm okay something else happens. Every time I wake up feeling like I'm moving on, something happens - an argument, a setback, something... A bit of understanding might be nice. They said that the Titanic was unsinkable and look what happened there.
So what do we take from that? I think Boy George sums it up quite well...
"Fortunately I got wise this time,
Fortunately I got me on my mind,
Oh I just wanna be loved,
Don't wanna fight you baby,
But I'm much too proud to say it now"
What do I want? A knight in shining armour, not a twat in tinfoil.
A shoulder to cry on, the odd cup of tea, someone I can open up to, a friend... Stability.
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