Weird crushes...

After various conversations with my mum, I've decided I have a really weird taste in men.
I'll be the first to admit off the cuff when a crush is weird, but as a whole I've excelled myself on the "really?" front...
Tom Hanks. No real reason, just think phwoar.
Prince Harry. The acceptable face of being ginger.
Vladimir Putin. The epitomy of manliness (and he has nice eyes).
David Essex. He's always been fit.
Emmett J Scanlan. I like a bad boy!
Harry Connick Jr. Sexy voice.
Seth MacFarlane. Sexy voice.
Rhys Ifans. Something about the Welsh?
Lee Dainton. Defo something about the Welsh.
Bam Margera. Unhinged, but he has beautiful eyes.
Neil Pearson. He has a hint of innocence...
Michael French. My Main Man <3
Gene Kelly. What a smoooooooooooothie.
Bruno Mars. He has beautiful teeth.

So yeah... Men... I know which one I'd quite like, but these will provide something to keep me occupied in the meantime :)

Trapped nerves and cut vocal chords

I spend a lot of time in quiet contemplation. A lot of friends have told me I'm the quiet one you have to watch out for, because "even a Saint loses their patience" - and as my dad says "When you're not talking, you're listening and someone listening is what scares people".

I listen because I want to understand, and I talk because I want to be understood. Language fascinates me because it's all about understanding and comprehension. What one person takes one way, another will take another way. When I won't vocalize how I feel it's not because I don't want to. I'd talk all day if I could. From somewhere I found confidence, and 18 months into Uni I can finally initiate a conversation with a stranger. It's only taken 21 years but I got there :)

On the other side of the coin, this newfound 'confidence' has left me feeling lost. I don't know how to talk to people any more, I don't know what to say to my friends. I am feeling so much anger and frustration about the way things are that even I can't find the words. Motormouth's run out of petrol, Little Miss Chatterbox has had her mouth sewn shut. I just don't know what to say any more. I've got all these thoughts and feelings in my head and I can't find the words. People seem to find it unusual, and I've had the "you've changed" and "I can't handle you any more" conversation with so many people so many times. It's killing me that there is nobody I know who could understand how I feel and I can't find the words to try and explain it. I could try now, but I'm not sure where to begin - so maybe words of 1-2 syllables might start me off...

I am frustrated. I am frustrated because I am in pain and I want it to go away and nobody can tell me when it's going to end. I feel like part of me has been taken away and I want it back. I miss being shy, I miss being reserved, and I miss being able to keep my temper to myself.

I am angry. I am angry because I can't do the things I used to. I'm not living a normal life any more. I am angry because Calvin said he'd always be there for me and he hasn't been and I know it's my own stupid fault for pushing him away and trying to do everything on my own. I am angry because I know I fucked up one too many times after finding this new sense of "self". I'm angry at myself for still being in love with him, and wanting to be with him, even though I don't want to be any more. I am angry because I just want to be friends but I can't pu tmy feelings to one side. I am angry because so many times when I thought we were really over he's come back and said he loves me again. I'm angry at Phay and Lisa for not letting him be a proper dad. I'm angry at Phay for taking the boys back from him because it means that I can't see them (how selfish is that? They're not even my kids - technically they're nothing to do with me). I'm angry because you have girls like Katie who don't give a shit about their kid when Calvin's been battling for fuck knows how long to be able to see Riley. I'm angry at Lisa for not letting Calvin be a dad, even though I've never met the girl. I'm angry because if Calvin had made time to just talk to me that night I wouldn't have gone for the fag that ended up with me going arse over tit and buggering my arm in.

I am lonely. I'm lonely because I'm 300 miles from home and somehow still managing to push my friends away even though I desperately need them. I'm lonely because I can't make up my mind how I feel. I'm lonely because I couldn't just bite the bullet and tell Scott how I've felt since day one so now I've ended up in love with two people and it's killing me. I'm lonely because I got used to sharing a single bed with Calvin most nights... and even after we broke up we still kept finding ourselves in bed cuddling and talking about how one day we'd be together and I fucking fell for it like a mug. I'm lonely because I love too much - I've wanted to be with Scott since I was about 12 but I feel like I couldn't because of Calvin. I know which one I can see my future with, and that's what's tearing me apart.

I am lost. I'm lost because I'm doing what's right by me but I'm still not happy. I love being at Uni and I know it'll be worth it at the end, but seeing all the girls around me settling down and having babies is making me jealous. Whole-heartedly jealous. Why don't I have someone looking after me, why don't I have someone to come home to, why am I doing everything by myself? Why do I feel like the one who's been left behind because I'm trying to make something of myself. What is so bloody wrong with me that nobody wants me? What am I doing that is so bloody awful that no fella out there wants to take me on and treat me like I'm the only girl in the world? When am I going to find a man who doesn't treat me like my feelings can be shoved to one side like I'm not a person too?

I am afraid. I'm afraid of so many things that are so trivial and that I've never been afraid of before. I've developed something not far off phobic about being sick - these painkillers make me feel nauseus and when I start feeling like that I want to cry and have a panic attack. "After everything that happened in Hong Kong I'm not surprised Bry. I wish I was there lookin after you. Go and get some sleep, call me when you feel a bit better or if you need to before, yeah?" Why isn't he there doing that for me now? Who can I now talk to at all hours when this completely irrational fear starts taking hold and I become some stupid, quivering mess? I'm afraid of being left on my own like this for the rest of my life, like nobody is ever going to be prepared to look after me the way I need looking after. I've spent my entire life looking after other people, where's everyone gone now I need them?

I am destructable. I am not the strong, independent person who bounces back all the time. I put a smile on and say it's all okay, and I'm fed up of it. Every time I think I'm okay something else happens. Every time I wake up feeling like I'm moving on, something happens - an argument, a setback, something... A bit of understanding might be nice. They said that the Titanic was unsinkable and look what happened there.

So what do we take from that? I think Boy George sums it up quite well...
"Fortunately I got wise this time,
Fortunately I got me on my mind,
Oh I just wanna be loved,
Don't wanna fight you baby,
But I'm much too proud to say it now"

What do I want? A knight in shining armour, not a twat in tinfoil.
A shoulder to cry on, the odd cup of tea, someone I can open up to, a friend... Stability.

Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close.

I've seen a lot of films.
I've watched a lot of TV shows.
I've read a lot of books.
It takes a lot for me to say that something has had a profound impact on my life, when it comes to books and films etc... The film I saw tonight (see title) was absolutely incredible. I mean, wow. I've been blown away.

It's about this Autistic kid whose dad is a victim of the September 11th terrorist attacks on the World Trade Centre in New York. His dad used to so things with him like set up trails, keeping him entertained by using his logic. A year after his death, the kid (Oskar) finds a key - he doesn't know what it's for and goes on a search of the entirity of New York City to find its lock. I won't share the ending, but the best way to sum it up is that the journey he finds himself going on brings him closer to his mother. In any other film it'd be clichéd, but in this context it rips your heart from inside your chest.

When he turned to her, cool as a cucumber, and said "I wish it had been you" I almost wailed. I have never cried so hard at a film in my life, literally. The way she responds by saying "So do I" just makes it hit you that bit harder.

If I've learned anything in the last few weeks and months, it's that your parents are the only people who will ever really love you from the deep depths of their heart. No matter how badly you mess up, no matter how wrong you get life, no matter how much you put them through - they may wash their hands of you but they never stop caring, never stop loving. It's made me realise how much I value the relationship I have with my mum and dad. It's made me even more angry that there are kids out there who will never see their mum or dad again and yet there are women callous enough to deliberately bar their children from their fathers. Shame on those women, and may your souls be damned for doing that to your child.

I've been so angry lately that I've had the "born alone, die alone" philosophy, I've tried to love people in the wrong way. The fact is, the only people who will never ever let me down are my family. Every friend, every lover, ever partner, every acquaintance - they have come, gone, passed through and left a path of destruction. My family have never done that to me. Everyone else is irrelevant - I value friendship but I'd never chose a man over my mum. I'm can't be the one who hurts her time and time again - I have been a royal pain in the arse and she still loves me, she till comforts me, she's still there at any time of day wherever I may be calling from on Earth. Where have my friends been when I've been crying myself to sleep? Where have my friends been when I've been in so much pain I can barely breathe? Where were my friends when there was an 8 hour time difference? I can't answer that question.

I wasn't born alone. I will not die alone. That's what family's about.

A self-pitying rant.

Before I begin, I'd just like to point out that I am fully aware that there are people who have it worse than I do. But those people don't live MY life do they? They're not waking up in my body with their things on my mind. Selfush? Yes. About bloody time.

So today was another trip to the physio. Since October 2011, it's been a regular fixtur and it doesn't look like one that's set to change. This bloody arm and the poxy nerves inside it are NOT being helped along by stress, life, or anything else being thrown my way. As it happens, the pins and needles/ recurrign numbness that's now featuring down my left hand side as well isn';t "just stress". I have not only buggered my arm, I've done my neck apparently. AS IF. Who knows how long it's going to take to get better, if it does, and who knows what else could be affected by it. And STILL I am entitled to NO HELP from Uni whatsoever.

I could use a series of 4-letter words to describe how I feel but what's the point? I'm angry, I'm upset, I'm confused, but what's the point in getting worked up over something I can do nothing about except pop a new sort of painkillers? Yay, more painkillers. How about stopping the painkillers and actually DOING SOMETHING. I thought that the NHS were meant to help but at the moment I'm just frustrated because at every single turn I walk into a brick wall. Wall after bloody wall of bricks.

I give up.

Wow, It's been a while!!

So, the last time I logged into this was way back in 2009... it's definitely been an eventuful few years.

In that time I've been in and out of work and started at uni in Sunderland. The things I could say about people might be slanderous so I won't even start. What I will say is that in my last job in met the man of my dreams. Naturally, at the time I thought he was a total prick - as you do! Over the last year he has been my absolute rock. We've been on and off because he's got his problems and I've certainly got mine. It would seem though, that no matter how bad it gets I know I can always open up with him. We've got 2 things a lot of others dont - honesty and trust. He talks to me, tells me everything. By the end of the conversation we both end up wondering what we were worried about in the first place. At the moment we're off, but we still talk every day and the prospect of getting it back together. Clichés come about for a reason - you DO know when it's right :)

So anyway, I thought I'd get back on here to straighten a few things out in my mind. At the moment, I can't say that I'm enjoying myself. I love uni don't get me wrong, it's just everything else. You think someone understands and then you find out that they really don't and they're actually doing everything in their power to hold it against you. I've been honest from day one about the state of my mental health - and sometimes hearing a phrase like that fills people with dread. Mental Health. What does it mean to you?

To me, it means memories you can't ever quite escape from that shape who your are. From massive things like your mood, to the parts people don't think about like your sleeping pattern. My life has been shaped by a series of traumatic events. Some days I cope, some days I don't - it's that simple. Some days I can get up and have an absolutely lovely day, sometimes I cry myself to sleep at night and can't bare to face another human being. It's what depression and PTSD do to someone... Oh, but PTSD is the Soldier's Disease. WRONG. VERY WRONG. I won't go over events from as far back as 2004 and 2008, but some of the events of 2011 will always have an impact on what goes on in my life and the choices I make.

You'd think a hospital is somewhere you'll feel safe, somewhere you'll leave feeling better than when you went in. I can't say that that's the case for when I was in Hong Kong. Again, I won't go into specifics but don't ever read your own medical records if you get the chance. They called it a "Physchotic Episode", I call it "being distressed at having not eaten for a week or drunk for 5 days and being sent home 3 times previously with the same problem despite barely being able to get out of bed when the vomiting didn't stop".

I guess that some people in life are made scapegoats, and I am one of those people. I am one of those people where everything bad will be put on me and everything good will be none of my doing. I accept that now. Everywhere I go there is someone prepared to have a pop over the tiniest thing. I've reached the stage where I don't even know what I'm doing wrong so I barely open my mouth. On the other side of the coin, some people are just bullies - nasty, selfish bullies. I won't be made to feel worse than I already do because one person has an issue with who I am and how I deal with my problems. If I've done something wrong, tell me. Talk to me about it like I'm an adult, don't shout at me like I'm 5 years old and slam doors like you're the 5 year old. We're 20 and 21, grow up. It just goes to show that Private Education doesn't teach you about respect for other people. Selfish bitch.

End of rant. Although I daresay I'll be ranting a lot more in the next couple of years. Grr.
x

this is the life

it may take some time to write this but i dont care. im on fiji time :) this is a concept so alien in London that you might be in for a shock... you dont have to be there dead on time! roll up 15 minutes late "sorry guys, fiji time!" and everyone laughs.................... i could get used to that :)

Fiji is truly the most magical and inspirping place on the planet. when im in frontof those kids teaching and i can see palm trees and hear the birds, i forget im 10 000 miles from home. this feels like home. ive been here for 6 days and only have 3 weeks til i come back to the uk. to be honest, im really not sure i want to. im so happy here. so calm and relaxed.... so me!

i cant put into words what it made me feel when i sat on an island in the middle of the ocean and just looked out and saw almost nothing. i cant explain what its like to see the stars, hear the crickets and just watch the world go by. im with amazing people in an amazing place. to be honest, its hard to miss england when you have this. the other volunteers are fab and i love them.

i dont want to leave. i have to eventually, but trust me ill be back

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

realisation's a bitch

I need to get some things off my chest. Fuck what you think, it needs to be said/done.

I want to talk to said people about times past. It's been 8 months and now I feel ready to sit down and talk. I've made something of myself. Truesay, I'm not entirely happy but who is? I need to confront the past and find out why. I need to know why I was always the metaphorical punchbag, why it was me who was never good enough. It's taken me this long to realise that the only reason I was as shit as they told me was because they held me back. I am who I am because of me. The people I meet along the way are just obstacles. People can be overcome too.

I need to tell certain other people how I feel. Not because it's grinding away at my soul, it's because I'm sick of being told 2 different things. Either you care or you don't, I assumed it was that fucking simple.

Why should I keep jeopardising my happiness just to stop conflict? It seems not to make sense, but think about it. Going behind his girlfriend's back is only gonna end in tears. He doesn't know how I feel and I don't know where it'll end up. All I do know is that I can't stand seeing him being treated like shit whilst everyone we know is telling us to be together. That's what breaks my heart, not the "will they won't they" business.

On another note, I feel a bit shit about how I've treated some people recently. I don't mean to shout, cry, bitch, cuss and... STUFF. It's just who I am. My problem is my pride. I find it hard to say sorry, especially when I know I've done something wrong (but not just me). So this is how I do it... I'm sorry for being a pain in the ass.

There's still something missing, and I think I'm close to giving up trying to find it. It needs to find me.