I need to get some things off my chest. Fuck what you think, it needs to be said/done.
I want to talk to said people about times past. It's been 8 months and now I feel ready to sit down and talk. I've made something of myself. Truesay, I'm not entirely happy but who is? I need to confront the past and find out why. I need to know why I was always the metaphorical punchbag, why it was me who was never good enough. It's taken me this long to realise that the only reason I was as shit as they told me was because they held me back. I am who I am because of me. The people I meet along the way are just obstacles. People can be overcome too.
I need to tell certain other people how I feel. Not because it's grinding away at my soul, it's because I'm sick of being told 2 different things. Either you care or you don't, I assumed it was that fucking simple.
Why should I keep jeopardising my happiness just to stop conflict? It seems not to make sense, but think about it. Going behind his girlfriend's back is only gonna end in tears. He doesn't know how I feel and I don't know where it'll end up. All I do know is that I can't stand seeing him being treated like shit whilst everyone we know is telling us to be together. That's what breaks my heart, not the "will they won't they" business.
On another note, I feel a bit shit about how I've treated some people recently. I don't mean to shout, cry, bitch, cuss and... STUFF. It's just who I am. My problem is my pride. I find it hard to say sorry, especially when I know I've done something wrong (but not just me). So this is how I do it... I'm sorry for being a pain in the ass.
There's still something missing, and I think I'm close to giving up trying to find it. It needs to find me.
Tuesday, 26 May 2009
Friday, 3 April 2009
Decisions, decisions
I have chosen my horses for the Grand National tomorrow, after very little deliberation :) my method's served me well in the past :)
My Will £1 e/w
Battlecry 50p e/w
State of Play 50p e/w
Fundamentalist 25 p e/w
Butlers Cabin 25p e/w
The name first one to catch my eye, 3 with "relevant/cool" names and one with a good jockey. A P McCoy needs to place for once... I have the choice of JenningsBet, Ladbrokes, Hills and BetFred. Hills. Every time. Go! Now! Gamble!
I love being 18 :) I can smoke, drink, vote, gamble and watch all DVD's legally. Sweet.
<3
My Will £1 e/w
Battlecry 50p e/w
State of Play 50p e/w
Fundamentalist 25 p e/w
Butlers Cabin 25p e/w
The name first one to catch my eye, 3 with "relevant/cool" names and one with a good jockey. A P McCoy needs to place for once... I have the choice of JenningsBet, Ladbrokes, Hills and BetFred. Hills. Every time. Go! Now! Gamble!
I love being 18 :) I can smoke, drink, vote, gamble and watch all DVD's legally. Sweet.
<3
Thursday, 26 March 2009
5 minutes peace
(I've acquired a new skill... typing with my MASSIVE mug resting on my keyboard. It's taken some practice, believe me...)
Well, well, well... the wedding, the wedding... fucking classic! Best Man forget's rings (before we get into church, so Bride ends up going round block 3 times while Best Man scrabbles into the Porsche and speeds to Wimbledon and back), Bridesmaid passes out drunk and many funny photos end up on facebook. Brilliant :D the video of the first dance is just uploading onto YouTube as we speak...
*WAITSWHILEVIDEOUPLOADS*
ta daaaaa
When the song started, we were all convinced that the DJ put on the wrong song... then they started dancing :) It's Owen making noises in the background. He's cool. He appreciates Guinness and Rick Astley (the best things in life) as much as I do :D
Well, well, well... the wedding, the wedding... fucking classic! Best Man forget's rings (before we get into church, so Bride ends up going round block 3 times while Best Man scrabbles into the Porsche and speeds to Wimbledon and back), Bridesmaid passes out drunk and many funny photos end up on facebook. Brilliant :D the video of the first dance is just uploading onto YouTube as we speak...
*WAITSWHILEVIDEOUPLOADS*
ta daaaaa
When the song started, we were all convinced that the DJ put on the wrong song... then they started dancing :) It's Owen making noises in the background. He's cool. He appreciates Guinness and Rick Astley (the best things in life) as much as I do :D
It's coooooooool :)
Wednesday, 4 March 2009
Finding Oneself....
Ok, so you get to that stage where you think you know who you are and then go "shit. I'm such a retard".... I did this today.
I'm sitting listening to N-Dubz on YouTube after listening to Jackie Volume 2 on a CD Walkman. I don't know if I feel like a teenager or an aging old weirdo... I relate to both of them.
(8)I never ever ever ever thought that it would ever get better, coz I never ever ever ever thought that I could face this weather(8) and (8)It's so strange the way he talkin, it's a disgrace(8)
However, I have come to a conclusion... I do genuinely think someone should punch Miley Cyrus and tell her to quit the pop star act and stick to Hannah Montana (which is also shit, but at least I dont have the Disney Channel any more). I also am of the belief that I seriously need to not cry when people die in Hollyoaks, Waterloo Road, Eastenders, Casualty and Holby City. Seriously, my face after watching the epi of Maxine dying in Waterloo Road on iPlayer was classic. My mum had a glass of plonk on standby lol.
SO. what have I established today?
GOOD:
- N-Dubz
- Robson and Jerome
- CD players coming in for dead MP3 players
- my mum
BAD:
- Miley Cyrus
- People dying in programmes that should really be classed as religion
- Thinking too deeply into things
- ingestion of alcoholic substances after the demise of a soap opera/ TV series character... they're not real.
I'm sitting listening to N-Dubz on YouTube after listening to Jackie Volume 2 on a CD Walkman. I don't know if I feel like a teenager or an aging old weirdo... I relate to both of them.
(8)I never ever ever ever thought that it would ever get better, coz I never ever ever ever thought that I could face this weather(8) and (8)It's so strange the way he talkin, it's a disgrace(8)
However, I have come to a conclusion... I do genuinely think someone should punch Miley Cyrus and tell her to quit the pop star act and stick to Hannah Montana (which is also shit, but at least I dont have the Disney Channel any more). I also am of the belief that I seriously need to not cry when people die in Hollyoaks, Waterloo Road, Eastenders, Casualty and Holby City. Seriously, my face after watching the epi of Maxine dying in Waterloo Road on iPlayer was classic. My mum had a glass of plonk on standby lol.
SO. what have I established today?
GOOD:
- N-Dubz
- Robson and Jerome
- CD players coming in for dead MP3 players
- my mum
BAD:
- Miley Cyrus
- People dying in programmes that should really be classed as religion
- Thinking too deeply into things
- ingestion of alcoholic substances after the demise of a soap opera/ TV series character... they're not real.
Thursday, 5 February 2009
OMG THIS ISN'T EVEN FUNNY!
How many times is it accaptable to spaz out before taking action against things? I have too much to do and no time to do it in! ARGH! so again, I need to make an e-calendar so I know WTFFFFFF I'm sposed to be doing.... and so I don't have to keep telling people!
NB: Feb half term subject to change at any time. see notes on left hand or facebook for details.
Saturday 14th February: spend Valentines Day at work. No BF for the first time in 2 years and it feels GREAT!
Monday 16th February: CHILL OUT! watch double bill of Jeremy Kyle on ITV2 to make me feel normal.
Thursday 19th February: Possible haircut (hurrah!). Meeting in Tooting about running for Council in 2010. 7pm til 9pm.
Friday 20th February: Meal in Dulwich with the Psychology dickheads (LOVE LOVE LOVE) and a couple of others. Drunkenness ensues... Take 2 of my 18th birthday, basically!
Saturday 21st February: 1 month til the dreaded W-Word... ugh, will the day ever come????
Monday 23rd February: back to college to reminisce about drunken behaviours and spazzes.
Tuesday 24th February: Psychology Coursework Deadline....
Sunday 1st March: spend the day convinced it's the 29th of February.
Saturday 14th March: Jem's Hen Night... Drag queens, stand up comedy, strippers and a swimming pool. need I say more?
Tuesday 17th March: English Coursework Deadline............. POOOO!
Saturday 21st March: W-Day. Fuck this.
uuuuuuuugggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
NB: Feb half term subject to change at any time. see notes on left hand or facebook for details.
Saturday 14th February: spend Valentines Day at work. No BF for the first time in 2 years and it feels GREAT!
Monday 16th February: CHILL OUT! watch double bill of Jeremy Kyle on ITV2 to make me feel normal.
Thursday 19th February: Possible haircut (hurrah!). Meeting in Tooting about running for Council in 2010. 7pm til 9pm.
Friday 20th February: Meal in Dulwich with the Psychology dickheads (LOVE LOVE LOVE) and a couple of others. Drunkenness ensues... Take 2 of my 18th birthday, basically!
Saturday 21st February: 1 month til the dreaded W-Word... ugh, will the day ever come????
Monday 23rd February: back to college to reminisce about drunken behaviours and spazzes.
Tuesday 24th February: Psychology Coursework Deadline....
Sunday 1st March: spend the day convinced it's the 29th of February.
Saturday 14th March: Jem's Hen Night... Drag queens, stand up comedy, strippers and a swimming pool. need I say more?
Tuesday 17th March: English Coursework Deadline............. POOOO!
Saturday 21st March: W-Day. Fuck this.
uuuuuuuugggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Monday, 2 February 2009
:D
"When the weather outside is frightful,
and the fire is mmm delightful,
as long as you love me so,
let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!"
I've got my family, I've got my friends, I've got a new set of amazing memories... what could be more perfect?
So, me, my mum, Jemima and Sal sat up watching the snow til 1am, thinking it'd all be melted by the time we got up. WRONG!
It's just gone 11am and it's still going strong. It's honestly the most heartwarming thing to see a kid of about 6 running through snow up past their knees laughing and smiling with their parents, who can't get to work. The cars are still going down Bushey Road to get onto the A3, but it seems like there isn't anyone about... coming back from the Co-op at 9pm last night, I felt like I was in a Crimewatch reconstruction! It was dead!
Me and Jem are gonna go and play in the snow later, like big kids... like when we were little kids :) Awesome :)
Peace Out
X
and the fire is mmm delightful,
as long as you love me so,
let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!"
I've got my family, I've got my friends, I've got a new set of amazing memories... what could be more perfect?
So, me, my mum, Jemima and Sal sat up watching the snow til 1am, thinking it'd all be melted by the time we got up. WRONG!
It's just gone 11am and it's still going strong. It's honestly the most heartwarming thing to see a kid of about 6 running through snow up past their knees laughing and smiling with their parents, who can't get to work. The cars are still going down Bushey Road to get onto the A3, but it seems like there isn't anyone about... coming back from the Co-op at 9pm last night, I felt like I was in a Crimewatch reconstruction! It was dead!
Me and Jem are gonna go and play in the snow later, like big kids... like when we were little kids :) Awesome :)
Peace Out
X
Friday, 23 January 2009
ORGANISATION...(for my benefit lol)
TO DO:
Fri 23rd Jan 09 - WAIT FOT HANNAH'S BABY TO BE BORN :)
Sat 24th Jan 09 - work 10- 12:30; Harlequins vs Llanelli Scarlets; lose money on "so-and-so to score a try at any time" bet at William Hill; go to see Hannah and baby :)
Sun 25th Jan 09 - take a day off. one day with no work, no people, no fuss: just DVD's, tea and digestives (as the Lord intended).
Mon 26th Jan 09 - actually go to my randomly placed English lesson, due to exam.
Tue 27th Jan 09 - Physio.... no politics, no 1st lesson of double Psych. remind teachers.
Wed 28th Jan 09 - stress out about exam for a bit, go to cadets after all, get home and have a Guinness.
Thur 29th Jan 09 - English Language A2 Unit 5 exam at 2pm; miss lesson on Anarchism.
Fri 30th Jan 09 - Joanna's birthday do; further my dependency on alcohol.
Sat 31st Jan 09 - Harlequins vs Northampton; drink more Guinness; lose the lottery.
Sun 1st Feb 09 - wonder where the last month has gone, whilst constantly reminding oneself that there are only 28 days left til March and the Wedding Panic Period can really begin....
.... I am very confused. I have no idea what day of the week it is, what the date is or what's going on. This is purely for my benefit to stop people asking what I'm doing tomorrow. It also helps me know what the hell I'm supposed to be doing. Stress makes you forget things. It makes me forget things. This, dear heart, is adulthood. Whoop-de-frickin-doo!
No-so-peaceful Out
xx
Fri 23rd Jan 09 - WAIT FOT HANNAH'S BABY TO BE BORN :)
Sat 24th Jan 09 - work 10- 12:30; Harlequins vs Llanelli Scarlets; lose money on "so-and-so to score a try at any time" bet at William Hill; go to see Hannah and baby :)
Sun 25th Jan 09 - take a day off. one day with no work, no people, no fuss: just DVD's, tea and digestives (as the Lord intended).
Mon 26th Jan 09 - actually go to my randomly placed English lesson, due to exam.
Tue 27th Jan 09 - Physio.... no politics, no 1st lesson of double Psych. remind teachers.
Wed 28th Jan 09 - stress out about exam for a bit, go to cadets after all, get home and have a Guinness.
Thur 29th Jan 09 - English Language A2 Unit 5 exam at 2pm; miss lesson on Anarchism.
Fri 30th Jan 09 - Joanna's birthday do; further my dependency on alcohol.
Sat 31st Jan 09 - Harlequins vs Northampton; drink more Guinness; lose the lottery.
Sun 1st Feb 09 - wonder where the last month has gone, whilst constantly reminding oneself that there are only 28 days left til March and the Wedding Panic Period can really begin....
.... I am very confused. I have no idea what day of the week it is, what the date is or what's going on. This is purely for my benefit to stop people asking what I'm doing tomorrow. It also helps me know what the hell I'm supposed to be doing. Stress makes you forget things. It makes me forget things. This, dear heart, is adulthood. Whoop-de-frickin-doo!
No-so-peaceful Out
xx
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