A musing...

I think that today is the first time I've had a really good, PROPER think about things. By things, I mean the past and how it affects our future (here she goes on the philosophical bit!)... Can we really say "I'm not letting the past affect my future"? Surely by wanting to better yourself, the past IS affecting your future whether you want it to or not! I have a very personal, very detailed examples. For legal reasons (I'm not being funny), I can't use real names (you'll find out a bit later).
So, this is hard to talk about, so bear with me. It may seem unbelieveable, but trust me my story is very real....

I'd been with my now ex-boyfriend for about four months when his parents found out we were together. He'd been hesitant to tell them and at the time I didn't understand why. Around Christmas 2007, I'd met his parents as his girlfriend for the first time (I'd known him for 2 years previously) and they seemed really nice.

One Friday at college, in Biology actually, my phone rang. It was his home number. I assumed he'd been let out of school early so I called it back when I finished. It was his mother, and she said she wanted to talk to me. I got the full lecture about her wanting to do well in his GCSE's etc and that he was spending too much time with me. More fool me for thinking she actually cared about her son!

This continued for months. I mean MONTHS. My parents knew it was happening and told my ex to tell his mum to stop it. Apparently, his dad told her but I don't believe that for a second. I changed my mobile number in July 2007, thinking it would stop. Silly me! When I ignored all phone calls from his home phone, the cheeky BITCH started calling my home phone when she knew full well my mum would be at work (because unlike SOME, my mum had a PROPER job), with the exception of one Sunday afternoon before we were due to go on holiday. I stood up to her but I was shaking and starting to cry. Luckily my mum, dad, smelly sister and too-tall brother-in-law-to-be were all there listening.

When we got back from our holiday, the six of us, things weren't the same. I tried to pretend it'd be ok but after about a month I said enough was enough and that I wanted to break up with him. I got a barrage of nasty messages on MSN from his friend and got upset and distressed. I went to stay with my sister for 4 days. When I got back my email, facebook and bebo accounts had been hacked (no prizes for guessing who by!) and nasty comments were left all over them by 3 offenders (no names, sorry. Law). I again became distressed and decided to give him one last chance. Again, what a twat I turned out to be....

The phone calls began again, from her mobile to mine. I gave up rejecting them and just let my phone ring. I got so PISSED OFF WITH THE BITCH that I text her telling her, not politely (I'd tried that), to fuck off and leave me alone. No success.

This is the clincher, keep reading.....

My birthday is September 30th. The day before I turned 18, 29th September 2008, I got home around half four. The home phone rang. I thought it'd be one of those stupid "are you paying too much for your gas" calls (which I'm not, thank you. I don't pay for it.). It was her again. Fact of the matter is, he'd gotten the sack for fiddling the till (apaz my fault?!) and couldn't pay the money back for theholiday, £90 still outstanding. She said that it was "unfair for you to be harassing him for money he didn't have and you should know better". My legally correct counter argument was "well, at the end of the day until he's 18 he's your responsibility. Pay the money back and then he can owe you. It's what's polite".

This continued for around 10 minutes until I said "It's my mum you owe the money too, speak to her". She then replied "Is she there then?". NO YOU STUPID FUCKING FAT COW, SHE'S GOT A PROPER JOB!!

At 7:30pm, the phone rang again. I stayed at home from Cadets to see what would happen, if she had the bottle to be such a bitch to my mum. Whoops. The same old argument, with the added "your daughter's this" and "your daughter's that". Not just referring to me, you see. Apparently, the uni-graduate sister of mine who she'd never met was just as bad as I was. My mum is a reasonable lady, she is and maintained her composure until his mum had run out of steam. THEN HIS DAD CAME ON THE LINE!! Some advice to you, Sir, is to have full details before making accuastions. The fact is, I was on crutches at the time these events were alleged to have happened....
1. I had slept with 2 people behind his back, including a guy who worked at the gym. If chattign with someone and your mum is the new lingo for intercourse then yes, I fucked him good.
2. I had given his son an STI. Which one, and SPELL IT.
3. I was a bitch, slut, slapper, whore etc... you get the picture.

Distress ensued. I was crying, my mum was swearing, my dad was homicidal and yet somehow I realised I had something that my ex didn't. A family who care because they want to, not who pretend to care because they have to. This is just one event. Those kids are WAY better off in care, frankly.

This lead to illness (migraine, mostly, which I still suffer from infrequently), glasses (virus of the optic nerve. One of my teachers sent me to hospital because the pain got so bad), councelling and Cognitive Behavioural Therapy.

I struggle to go out alone, for fear of them all being around even though there are orders to stop all communication. I get panic attacks, where I shake and cry when I go into depth (trust me, I've been sat here for a good hour) over what happened. I smoke, I drink, I gamble. Not in excess, but moreso. I get frightened when my home phone rings. I won't answer it. I don't answer "Private Number" calls on my mobile. I once got so panicky that I spent 10 hours being sick every half an hour or so. Those are the bad things.

HOWEVER!

I know who my true friends are. My friends who knew me before say I've changed and come back out of the shell I'd been put into through his possessiveness. I know my limits. I know I can do more. I know what I want. I want to give something back to those who helped me... my family, my friends and, oddly, the medics!

So, if I just walk out it's because I'm panicking. If I give advice, it's because I've been there and done it. I'm no hypocrite. I'm a better person.

In conclusion, yeah things go wrong. You can be pulled down and down til you're a shadow of your former self. BUT the best bit is, you can climb back up again and laugh at them because they couldn't break you. They just tried to because they had nothing better to do with their sad, sorry, unhappy lives.

That's all bullies are... bored, unfulfilled people. Be more. It's not hard.

Peace Out
X