So... Here I am again. At the moment I should be trying to finish an essay that was due a week ago. Having said that, I'm signed off and still feel like shite. What's brought me here? Inactivity giving me time to think. Once again I feel deflated, like I'm back at square one. I work hard, I always have and always will but again I'm sitting here missing deadlines coz I've been ill.



I have a sneaking suspicion that it's all stress-related again. There are many things that are definitely causing bits of stress, none moreso than bloody work politics. But here is neither the time or place to discuss it.
Just for once, I'd like life to give me a break. Just once.

Long Distance Relationship?

Wellwellwellwellwell, THAT was unexpected (if not a pleasant surprise)!

When you think you might never see someone again, you start to let go. As time goes by you think it'll be easier, that you'll move on and everything else will fall into place. Then something happens, someone says something, and that illusion you have of being fine without them begins to fade away. Suddenly you realise that your life will change in a massive way because you want that person in your life. Decisions will have to be made. Although you're with that person, you'll have to do without them because they're so far away. When you've kept in touch with someone who is so far away for 2 and a half years, you find yourself asking why. Out of all the people we met and all the time that's gone by, why me and why now? The answer we both gave is "I don't know"...

He might object to me telling you about him, but if he does ever come across this I'll delete it if he doesn't like what's been said. I doubt it though, it's more a personal gathering of thoughts than a statment that says LOOK AT MEEEEEEEEEE! Putting it into words to see if I'm 'normal' - seeing if I feel the same things as everyone else. I'm like a giggly 13 year old when I talk about him, he makes me feel all bubbly and light-headed ^__^

His name is Max, he's 25 and he's from Vancouver (Canada, to save you Googling it!). He's a good 5 foot 10 and has dark brown hair. His eyes are like circles of melted chocolate, they're all shiny and tempting :) I've always thought he looks like Matt Le Blanc (Joey from Friends), really. He's beautiful to look and and has a beautiful soul. He likes his rap music and supports the LA Lakers (basketball) - he's cooonstantly talking about Tupac and Kobe Bryant lol.

In the time I've known him, he's always been lovely. He treats me like a princess. Naturally though, part of me always wonders how many other girls he's talking ot the way he does to me but I can't see him ever being "like that". He's just one of those men who is genuinely nice. I can't put my finger on it, but there's part of me that thinks he's too good to be true...

Every time we talk, he asks me when I'm coming to Canada :) I want to see him more than anything, but I can't bloody afford it!! We had a conversation last night that's made me realise it's him. It's all about him. I want to see the world so I can see him too. I asked him straight out why he spent his time talking to me, and he simply said "trust, frienship, honesty". I asked himm where he wanted it to go. He said, and I quote "a serious relationship with a solid foundation" (copy and pasted from Facebook haha!). Those are words I never thought I'd hear from him, ever. It's made me realise that all these feelings in the time I've known him haven't been in vain - he wants it too.

Now we need to talk properly. Is long distance doable? Yes, I believe it is. Kath managed it with Art, and they're happily married in Cali. Why shouldn't we be the same? I think that at the moment it's the best thing for me - to know someone cares and I can be faithful to, but that I don't have to answer to. I want to spend every second with him, but not being able to see him means that it'll be better when we do finally get reunited :) I've missed him so much. Clichéd, but I do think about him every day - even if it's just wondering what he's doing or thinking about time differences.

We'll see... All I can do now is talk to him and see where we go. And listen to Belgium by Bowling for Soup. "And now you're halfway around the world, And I'm just a day behind, Nothing seems to fill the hole that I have since you left my side, You'll always be my little girl though I can't hold you tonight, And now you're halfway around the world and I'm just a day behind".

Maxxy, I love you <3

Weird crushes...

After various conversations with my mum, I've decided I have a really weird taste in men.
I'll be the first to admit off the cuff when a crush is weird, but as a whole I've excelled myself on the "really?" front...
Tom Hanks. No real reason, just think phwoar.
Prince Harry. The acceptable face of being ginger.
Vladimir Putin. The epitomy of manliness (and he has nice eyes).
David Essex. He's always been fit.
Emmett J Scanlan. I like a bad boy!
Harry Connick Jr. Sexy voice.
Seth MacFarlane. Sexy voice.
Rhys Ifans. Something about the Welsh?
Lee Dainton. Defo something about the Welsh.
Bam Margera. Unhinged, but he has beautiful eyes.
Neil Pearson. He has a hint of innocence...
Michael French. My Main Man <3
Gene Kelly. What a smoooooooooooothie.
Bruno Mars. He has beautiful teeth.

So yeah... Men... I know which one I'd quite like, but these will provide something to keep me occupied in the meantime :)

Trapped nerves and cut vocal chords

I spend a lot of time in quiet contemplation. A lot of friends have told me I'm the quiet one you have to watch out for, because "even a Saint loses their patience" - and as my dad says "When you're not talking, you're listening and someone listening is what scares people".

I listen because I want to understand, and I talk because I want to be understood. Language fascinates me because it's all about understanding and comprehension. What one person takes one way, another will take another way. When I won't vocalize how I feel it's not because I don't want to. I'd talk all day if I could. From somewhere I found confidence, and 18 months into Uni I can finally initiate a conversation with a stranger. It's only taken 21 years but I got there :)

On the other side of the coin, this newfound 'confidence' has left me feeling lost. I don't know how to talk to people any more, I don't know what to say to my friends. I am feeling so much anger and frustration about the way things are that even I can't find the words. Motormouth's run out of petrol, Little Miss Chatterbox has had her mouth sewn shut. I just don't know what to say any more. I've got all these thoughts and feelings in my head and I can't find the words. People seem to find it unusual, and I've had the "you've changed" and "I can't handle you any more" conversation with so many people so many times. It's killing me that there is nobody I know who could understand how I feel and I can't find the words to try and explain it. I could try now, but I'm not sure where to begin - so maybe words of 1-2 syllables might start me off...

I am frustrated. I am frustrated because I am in pain and I want it to go away and nobody can tell me when it's going to end. I feel like part of me has been taken away and I want it back. I miss being shy, I miss being reserved, and I miss being able to keep my temper to myself.

I am angry. I am angry because I can't do the things I used to. I'm not living a normal life any more. I am angry because Calvin said he'd always be there for me and he hasn't been and I know it's my own stupid fault for pushing him away and trying to do everything on my own. I am angry because I know I fucked up one too many times after finding this new sense of "self". I'm angry at myself for still being in love with him, and wanting to be with him, even though I don't want to be any more. I am angry because I just want to be friends but I can't pu tmy feelings to one side. I am angry because so many times when I thought we were really over he's come back and said he loves me again. I'm angry at Phay and Lisa for not letting him be a proper dad. I'm angry at Phay for taking the boys back from him because it means that I can't see them (how selfish is that? They're not even my kids - technically they're nothing to do with me). I'm angry because you have girls like Katie who don't give a shit about their kid when Calvin's been battling for fuck knows how long to be able to see Riley. I'm angry at Lisa for not letting Calvin be a dad, even though I've never met the girl. I'm angry because if Calvin had made time to just talk to me that night I wouldn't have gone for the fag that ended up with me going arse over tit and buggering my arm in.

I am lonely. I'm lonely because I'm 300 miles from home and somehow still managing to push my friends away even though I desperately need them. I'm lonely because I can't make up my mind how I feel. I'm lonely because I couldn't just bite the bullet and tell Scott how I've felt since day one so now I've ended up in love with two people and it's killing me. I'm lonely because I got used to sharing a single bed with Calvin most nights... and even after we broke up we still kept finding ourselves in bed cuddling and talking about how one day we'd be together and I fucking fell for it like a mug. I'm lonely because I love too much - I've wanted to be with Scott since I was about 12 but I feel like I couldn't because of Calvin. I know which one I can see my future with, and that's what's tearing me apart.

I am lost. I'm lost because I'm doing what's right by me but I'm still not happy. I love being at Uni and I know it'll be worth it at the end, but seeing all the girls around me settling down and having babies is making me jealous. Whole-heartedly jealous. Why don't I have someone looking after me, why don't I have someone to come home to, why am I doing everything by myself? Why do I feel like the one who's been left behind because I'm trying to make something of myself. What is so bloody wrong with me that nobody wants me? What am I doing that is so bloody awful that no fella out there wants to take me on and treat me like I'm the only girl in the world? When am I going to find a man who doesn't treat me like my feelings can be shoved to one side like I'm not a person too?

I am afraid. I'm afraid of so many things that are so trivial and that I've never been afraid of before. I've developed something not far off phobic about being sick - these painkillers make me feel nauseus and when I start feeling like that I want to cry and have a panic attack. "After everything that happened in Hong Kong I'm not surprised Bry. I wish I was there lookin after you. Go and get some sleep, call me when you feel a bit better or if you need to before, yeah?" Why isn't he there doing that for me now? Who can I now talk to at all hours when this completely irrational fear starts taking hold and I become some stupid, quivering mess? I'm afraid of being left on my own like this for the rest of my life, like nobody is ever going to be prepared to look after me the way I need looking after. I've spent my entire life looking after other people, where's everyone gone now I need them?

I am destructable. I am not the strong, independent person who bounces back all the time. I put a smile on and say it's all okay, and I'm fed up of it. Every time I think I'm okay something else happens. Every time I wake up feeling like I'm moving on, something happens - an argument, a setback, something... A bit of understanding might be nice. They said that the Titanic was unsinkable and look what happened there.

So what do we take from that? I think Boy George sums it up quite well...
"Fortunately I got wise this time,
Fortunately I got me on my mind,
Oh I just wanna be loved,
Don't wanna fight you baby,
But I'm much too proud to say it now"

What do I want? A knight in shining armour, not a twat in tinfoil.
A shoulder to cry on, the odd cup of tea, someone I can open up to, a friend... Stability.

Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close.

I've seen a lot of films.
I've watched a lot of TV shows.
I've read a lot of books.
It takes a lot for me to say that something has had a profound impact on my life, when it comes to books and films etc... The film I saw tonight (see title) was absolutely incredible. I mean, wow. I've been blown away.

It's about this Autistic kid whose dad is a victim of the September 11th terrorist attacks on the World Trade Centre in New York. His dad used to so things with him like set up trails, keeping him entertained by using his logic. A year after his death, the kid (Oskar) finds a key - he doesn't know what it's for and goes on a search of the entirity of New York City to find its lock. I won't share the ending, but the best way to sum it up is that the journey he finds himself going on brings him closer to his mother. In any other film it'd be clichéd, but in this context it rips your heart from inside your chest.

When he turned to her, cool as a cucumber, and said "I wish it had been you" I almost wailed. I have never cried so hard at a film in my life, literally. The way she responds by saying "So do I" just makes it hit you that bit harder.

If I've learned anything in the last few weeks and months, it's that your parents are the only people who will ever really love you from the deep depths of their heart. No matter how badly you mess up, no matter how wrong you get life, no matter how much you put them through - they may wash their hands of you but they never stop caring, never stop loving. It's made me realise how much I value the relationship I have with my mum and dad. It's made me even more angry that there are kids out there who will never see their mum or dad again and yet there are women callous enough to deliberately bar their children from their fathers. Shame on those women, and may your souls be damned for doing that to your child.

I've been so angry lately that I've had the "born alone, die alone" philosophy, I've tried to love people in the wrong way. The fact is, the only people who will never ever let me down are my family. Every friend, every lover, ever partner, every acquaintance - they have come, gone, passed through and left a path of destruction. My family have never done that to me. Everyone else is irrelevant - I value friendship but I'd never chose a man over my mum. I'm can't be the one who hurts her time and time again - I have been a royal pain in the arse and she still loves me, she till comforts me, she's still there at any time of day wherever I may be calling from on Earth. Where have my friends been when I've been crying myself to sleep? Where have my friends been when I've been in so much pain I can barely breathe? Where were my friends when there was an 8 hour time difference? I can't answer that question.

I wasn't born alone. I will not die alone. That's what family's about.

A self-pitying rant.

Before I begin, I'd just like to point out that I am fully aware that there are people who have it worse than I do. But those people don't live MY life do they? They're not waking up in my body with their things on my mind. Selfush? Yes. About bloody time.

So today was another trip to the physio. Since October 2011, it's been a regular fixtur and it doesn't look like one that's set to change. This bloody arm and the poxy nerves inside it are NOT being helped along by stress, life, or anything else being thrown my way. As it happens, the pins and needles/ recurrign numbness that's now featuring down my left hand side as well isn';t "just stress". I have not only buggered my arm, I've done my neck apparently. AS IF. Who knows how long it's going to take to get better, if it does, and who knows what else could be affected by it. And STILL I am entitled to NO HELP from Uni whatsoever.

I could use a series of 4-letter words to describe how I feel but what's the point? I'm angry, I'm upset, I'm confused, but what's the point in getting worked up over something I can do nothing about except pop a new sort of painkillers? Yay, more painkillers. How about stopping the painkillers and actually DOING SOMETHING. I thought that the NHS were meant to help but at the moment I'm just frustrated because at every single turn I walk into a brick wall. Wall after bloody wall of bricks.

I give up.

Wow, It's been a while!!

So, the last time I logged into this was way back in 2009... it's definitely been an eventuful few years.

In that time I've been in and out of work and started at uni in Sunderland. The things I could say about people might be slanderous so I won't even start. What I will say is that in my last job in met the man of my dreams. Naturally, at the time I thought he was a total prick - as you do! Over the last year he has been my absolute rock. We've been on and off because he's got his problems and I've certainly got mine. It would seem though, that no matter how bad it gets I know I can always open up with him. We've got 2 things a lot of others dont - honesty and trust. He talks to me, tells me everything. By the end of the conversation we both end up wondering what we were worried about in the first place. At the moment we're off, but we still talk every day and the prospect of getting it back together. Clichés come about for a reason - you DO know when it's right :)

So anyway, I thought I'd get back on here to straighten a few things out in my mind. At the moment, I can't say that I'm enjoying myself. I love uni don't get me wrong, it's just everything else. You think someone understands and then you find out that they really don't and they're actually doing everything in their power to hold it against you. I've been honest from day one about the state of my mental health - and sometimes hearing a phrase like that fills people with dread. Mental Health. What does it mean to you?

To me, it means memories you can't ever quite escape from that shape who your are. From massive things like your mood, to the parts people don't think about like your sleeping pattern. My life has been shaped by a series of traumatic events. Some days I cope, some days I don't - it's that simple. Some days I can get up and have an absolutely lovely day, sometimes I cry myself to sleep at night and can't bare to face another human being. It's what depression and PTSD do to someone... Oh, but PTSD is the Soldier's Disease. WRONG. VERY WRONG. I won't go over events from as far back as 2004 and 2008, but some of the events of 2011 will always have an impact on what goes on in my life and the choices I make.

You'd think a hospital is somewhere you'll feel safe, somewhere you'll leave feeling better than when you went in. I can't say that that's the case for when I was in Hong Kong. Again, I won't go into specifics but don't ever read your own medical records if you get the chance. They called it a "Physchotic Episode", I call it "being distressed at having not eaten for a week or drunk for 5 days and being sent home 3 times previously with the same problem despite barely being able to get out of bed when the vomiting didn't stop".

I guess that some people in life are made scapegoats, and I am one of those people. I am one of those people where everything bad will be put on me and everything good will be none of my doing. I accept that now. Everywhere I go there is someone prepared to have a pop over the tiniest thing. I've reached the stage where I don't even know what I'm doing wrong so I barely open my mouth. On the other side of the coin, some people are just bullies - nasty, selfish bullies. I won't be made to feel worse than I already do because one person has an issue with who I am and how I deal with my problems. If I've done something wrong, tell me. Talk to me about it like I'm an adult, don't shout at me like I'm 5 years old and slam doors like you're the 5 year old. We're 20 and 21, grow up. It just goes to show that Private Education doesn't teach you about respect for other people. Selfish bitch.

End of rant. Although I daresay I'll be ranting a lot more in the next couple of years. Grr.
x

this is the life

it may take some time to write this but i dont care. im on fiji time :) this is a concept so alien in London that you might be in for a shock... you dont have to be there dead on time! roll up 15 minutes late "sorry guys, fiji time!" and everyone laughs.................... i could get used to that :)

Fiji is truly the most magical and inspirping place on the planet. when im in frontof those kids teaching and i can see palm trees and hear the birds, i forget im 10 000 miles from home. this feels like home. ive been here for 6 days and only have 3 weeks til i come back to the uk. to be honest, im really not sure i want to. im so happy here. so calm and relaxed.... so me!

i cant put into words what it made me feel when i sat on an island in the middle of the ocean and just looked out and saw almost nothing. i cant explain what its like to see the stars, hear the crickets and just watch the world go by. im with amazing people in an amazing place. to be honest, its hard to miss england when you have this. the other volunteers are fab and i love them.

i dont want to leave. i have to eventually, but trust me ill be back

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

realisation's a bitch

I need to get some things off my chest. Fuck what you think, it needs to be said/done.

I want to talk to said people about times past. It's been 8 months and now I feel ready to sit down and talk. I've made something of myself. Truesay, I'm not entirely happy but who is? I need to confront the past and find out why. I need to know why I was always the metaphorical punchbag, why it was me who was never good enough. It's taken me this long to realise that the only reason I was as shit as they told me was because they held me back. I am who I am because of me. The people I meet along the way are just obstacles. People can be overcome too.

I need to tell certain other people how I feel. Not because it's grinding away at my soul, it's because I'm sick of being told 2 different things. Either you care or you don't, I assumed it was that fucking simple.

Why should I keep jeopardising my happiness just to stop conflict? It seems not to make sense, but think about it. Going behind his girlfriend's back is only gonna end in tears. He doesn't know how I feel and I don't know where it'll end up. All I do know is that I can't stand seeing him being treated like shit whilst everyone we know is telling us to be together. That's what breaks my heart, not the "will they won't they" business.

On another note, I feel a bit shit about how I've treated some people recently. I don't mean to shout, cry, bitch, cuss and... STUFF. It's just who I am. My problem is my pride. I find it hard to say sorry, especially when I know I've done something wrong (but not just me). So this is how I do it... I'm sorry for being a pain in the ass.

There's still something missing, and I think I'm close to giving up trying to find it. It needs to find me.

Decisions, decisions

I have chosen my horses for the Grand National tomorrow, after very little deliberation :) my method's served me well in the past :)

My Will £1 e/w
Battlecry 50p e/w
State of Play 50p e/w
Fundamentalist 25 p e/w
Butlers Cabin 25p e/w

The name first one to catch my eye, 3 with "relevant/cool" names and one with a good jockey. A P McCoy needs to place for once... I have the choice of JenningsBet, Ladbrokes, Hills and BetFred. Hills. Every time. Go! Now! Gamble!

I love being 18 :) I can smoke, drink, vote, gamble and watch all DVD's legally. Sweet.

<3

5 minutes peace

(I've acquired a new skill... typing with my MASSIVE mug resting on my keyboard. It's taken some practice, believe me...)

Well, well, well... the wedding, the wedding... fucking classic! Best Man forget's rings (before we get into church, so Bride ends up going round block 3 times while Best Man scrabbles into the Porsche and speeds to Wimbledon and back), Bridesmaid passes out drunk and many funny photos end up on facebook. Brilliant :D the video of the first dance is just uploading onto YouTube as we speak...

*WAITSWHILEVIDEOUPLOADS*

ta daaaaa






When the song started, we were all convinced that the DJ put on the wrong song... then they started dancing :) It's Owen making noises in the background. He's cool. He appreciates Guinness and Rick Astley (the best things in life) as much as I do :D

It's coooooooool :)

Finding Oneself....

Ok, so you get to that stage where you think you know who you are and then go "shit. I'm such a retard".... I did this today.

I'm sitting listening to N-Dubz on YouTube after listening to Jackie Volume 2 on a CD Walkman. I don't know if I feel like a teenager or an aging old weirdo... I relate to both of them.
(8)I never ever ever ever thought that it would ever get better, coz I never ever ever ever thought that I could face this weather(8) and (8)It's so strange the way he talkin, it's a disgrace(8)

However, I have come to a conclusion... I do genuinely think someone should punch Miley Cyrus and tell her to quit the pop star act and stick to Hannah Montana (which is also shit, but at least I dont have the Disney Channel any more). I also am of the belief that I seriously need to not cry when people die in Hollyoaks, Waterloo Road, Eastenders, Casualty and Holby City. Seriously, my face after watching the epi of Maxine dying in Waterloo Road on iPlayer was classic. My mum had a glass of plonk on standby lol.

SO. what have I established today?

GOOD:
- N-Dubz
- Robson and Jerome
- CD players coming in for dead MP3 players
- my mum

BAD:
- Miley Cyrus
- People dying in programmes that should really be classed as religion
- Thinking too deeply into things
- ingestion of alcoholic substances after the demise of a soap opera/ TV series character... they're not real.

OMG THIS ISN'T EVEN FUNNY!

How many times is it accaptable to spaz out before taking action against things? I have too much to do and no time to do it in! ARGH! so again, I need to make an e-calendar so I know WTFFFFFF I'm sposed to be doing.... and so I don't have to keep telling people!

NB: Feb half term subject to change at any time. see notes on left hand or facebook for details.

Saturday 14th February: spend Valentines Day at work. No BF for the first time in 2 years and it feels GREAT!

Monday 16th February: CHILL OUT! watch double bill of Jeremy Kyle on ITV2 to make me feel normal.

Thursday 19th February: Possible haircut (hurrah!). Meeting in Tooting about running for Council in 2010. 7pm til 9pm.

Friday 20th February: Meal in Dulwich with the Psychology dickheads (LOVE LOVE LOVE) and a couple of others. Drunkenness ensues... Take 2 of my 18th birthday, basically!

Saturday 21st February: 1 month til the dreaded W-Word... ugh, will the day ever come????

Monday 23rd February: back to college to reminisce about drunken behaviours and spazzes.

Tuesday 24th February: Psychology Coursework Deadline....

Sunday 1st March: spend the day convinced it's the 29th of February.

Saturday 14th March: Jem's Hen Night... Drag queens, stand up comedy, strippers and a swimming pool. need I say more?

Tuesday 17th March: English Coursework Deadline............. POOOO!

Saturday 21st March: W-Day. Fuck this.

uuuuuuuugggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

:D

"When the weather outside is frightful,
and the fire is mmm delightful,
as long as you love me so,
let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!"

I've got my family, I've got my friends, I've got a new set of amazing memories... what could be more perfect?

So, me, my mum, Jemima and Sal sat up watching the snow til 1am, thinking it'd all be melted by the time we got up. WRONG!
It's just gone 11am and it's still going strong. It's honestly the most heartwarming thing to see a kid of about 6 running through snow up past their knees laughing and smiling with their parents, who can't get to work. The cars are still going down Bushey Road to get onto the A3, but it seems like there isn't anyone about... coming back from the Co-op at 9pm last night, I felt like I was in a Crimewatch reconstruction! It was dead!

Me and Jem are gonna go and play in the snow later, like big kids... like when we were little kids :) Awesome :)

Peace Out
X

ORGANISATION...(for my benefit lol)

TO DO:

Fri 23rd Jan 09 - WAIT FOT HANNAH'S BABY TO BE BORN :)

Sat 24th Jan 09 - work 10- 12:30; Harlequins vs Llanelli Scarlets; lose money on "so-and-so to score a try at any time" bet at William Hill; go to see Hannah and baby :)

Sun 25th Jan 09 - take a day off. one day with no work, no people, no fuss: just DVD's, tea and digestives (as the Lord intended).

Mon 26th Jan 09 - actually go to my randomly placed English lesson, due to exam.

Tue 27th Jan 09 - Physio.... no politics, no 1st lesson of double Psych. remind teachers.

Wed 28th Jan 09 - stress out about exam for a bit, go to cadets after all, get home and have a Guinness.

Thur 29th Jan 09 - English Language A2 Unit 5 exam at 2pm; miss lesson on Anarchism.

Fri 30th Jan 09 - Joanna's birthday do; further my dependency on alcohol.

Sat 31st Jan 09 - Harlequins vs Northampton; drink more Guinness; lose the lottery.

Sun 1st Feb 09 - wonder where the last month has gone, whilst constantly reminding oneself that there are only 28 days left til March and the Wedding Panic Period can really begin....

.... I am very confused. I have no idea what day of the week it is, what the date is or what's going on. This is purely for my benefit to stop people asking what I'm doing tomorrow. It also helps me know what the hell I'm supposed to be doing. Stress makes you forget things. It makes me forget things. This, dear heart, is adulthood. Whoop-de-frickin-doo!

No-so-peaceful Out
xx

DAAAAAYUM!

So I chose a new subject for my A2 English Language Coursework (don't even think about asking about the first one... it was a dead duck from the word go!). I decided to delve deeper into childrens literature and see if Disney had shat on Peter Pan (which they have done), but that's not what it's about.

I think it's important to point out that Smee is an Irishman and Captain James Hook DOESN'T resent the hook, he thinks we should all have one.

HOWEVER...

I'm doing the bit that they left out of the Disney flick, the bit where Tootles (a Lost Boy) attempts to kill Wendy after that jealous bitch Tinker Bell (it is two words, again Disney playing with things) tells him she's a bird. He thinks he's killed her and when Peter comes back he's pretty pissed.....
Upon futher investigation into the language used to portray the relationships, it would appear that Peter Pan and Wendy may, in fact, have been having sexual relations. No wonder Tink was a bitch to her... I can just see it on Jerry Springer "The Human Bitch Stole My Man!"....

Maybe I'm looking too much into this, but seriously, there is always a hidden message in these things and it's sad fools like me who have too much time so as to mutilate a children's tale.

I'm sorry for publishing this, but I thought you ought to know... PETER PAN AND WENDY ARE F***ING EACH OTHER!!

Peace Out
xx

A musing...

I think that today is the first time I've had a really good, PROPER think about things. By things, I mean the past and how it affects our future (here she goes on the philosophical bit!)... Can we really say "I'm not letting the past affect my future"? Surely by wanting to better yourself, the past IS affecting your future whether you want it to or not! I have a very personal, very detailed examples. For legal reasons (I'm not being funny), I can't use real names (you'll find out a bit later).
So, this is hard to talk about, so bear with me. It may seem unbelieveable, but trust me my story is very real....

I'd been with my now ex-boyfriend for about four months when his parents found out we were together. He'd been hesitant to tell them and at the time I didn't understand why. Around Christmas 2007, I'd met his parents as his girlfriend for the first time (I'd known him for 2 years previously) and they seemed really nice.

One Friday at college, in Biology actually, my phone rang. It was his home number. I assumed he'd been let out of school early so I called it back when I finished. It was his mother, and she said she wanted to talk to me. I got the full lecture about her wanting to do well in his GCSE's etc and that he was spending too much time with me. More fool me for thinking she actually cared about her son!

This continued for months. I mean MONTHS. My parents knew it was happening and told my ex to tell his mum to stop it. Apparently, his dad told her but I don't believe that for a second. I changed my mobile number in July 2007, thinking it would stop. Silly me! When I ignored all phone calls from his home phone, the cheeky BITCH started calling my home phone when she knew full well my mum would be at work (because unlike SOME, my mum had a PROPER job), with the exception of one Sunday afternoon before we were due to go on holiday. I stood up to her but I was shaking and starting to cry. Luckily my mum, dad, smelly sister and too-tall brother-in-law-to-be were all there listening.

When we got back from our holiday, the six of us, things weren't the same. I tried to pretend it'd be ok but after about a month I said enough was enough and that I wanted to break up with him. I got a barrage of nasty messages on MSN from his friend and got upset and distressed. I went to stay with my sister for 4 days. When I got back my email, facebook and bebo accounts had been hacked (no prizes for guessing who by!) and nasty comments were left all over them by 3 offenders (no names, sorry. Law). I again became distressed and decided to give him one last chance. Again, what a twat I turned out to be....

The phone calls began again, from her mobile to mine. I gave up rejecting them and just let my phone ring. I got so PISSED OFF WITH THE BITCH that I text her telling her, not politely (I'd tried that), to fuck off and leave me alone. No success.

This is the clincher, keep reading.....

My birthday is September 30th. The day before I turned 18, 29th September 2008, I got home around half four. The home phone rang. I thought it'd be one of those stupid "are you paying too much for your gas" calls (which I'm not, thank you. I don't pay for it.). It was her again. Fact of the matter is, he'd gotten the sack for fiddling the till (apaz my fault?!) and couldn't pay the money back for theholiday, £90 still outstanding. She said that it was "unfair for you to be harassing him for money he didn't have and you should know better". My legally correct counter argument was "well, at the end of the day until he's 18 he's your responsibility. Pay the money back and then he can owe you. It's what's polite".

This continued for around 10 minutes until I said "It's my mum you owe the money too, speak to her". She then replied "Is she there then?". NO YOU STUPID FUCKING FAT COW, SHE'S GOT A PROPER JOB!!

At 7:30pm, the phone rang again. I stayed at home from Cadets to see what would happen, if she had the bottle to be such a bitch to my mum. Whoops. The same old argument, with the added "your daughter's this" and "your daughter's that". Not just referring to me, you see. Apparently, the uni-graduate sister of mine who she'd never met was just as bad as I was. My mum is a reasonable lady, she is and maintained her composure until his mum had run out of steam. THEN HIS DAD CAME ON THE LINE!! Some advice to you, Sir, is to have full details before making accuastions. The fact is, I was on crutches at the time these events were alleged to have happened....
1. I had slept with 2 people behind his back, including a guy who worked at the gym. If chattign with someone and your mum is the new lingo for intercourse then yes, I fucked him good.
2. I had given his son an STI. Which one, and SPELL IT.
3. I was a bitch, slut, slapper, whore etc... you get the picture.

Distress ensued. I was crying, my mum was swearing, my dad was homicidal and yet somehow I realised I had something that my ex didn't. A family who care because they want to, not who pretend to care because they have to. This is just one event. Those kids are WAY better off in care, frankly.

This lead to illness (migraine, mostly, which I still suffer from infrequently), glasses (virus of the optic nerve. One of my teachers sent me to hospital because the pain got so bad), councelling and Cognitive Behavioural Therapy.

I struggle to go out alone, for fear of them all being around even though there are orders to stop all communication. I get panic attacks, where I shake and cry when I go into depth (trust me, I've been sat here for a good hour) over what happened. I smoke, I drink, I gamble. Not in excess, but moreso. I get frightened when my home phone rings. I won't answer it. I don't answer "Private Number" calls on my mobile. I once got so panicky that I spent 10 hours being sick every half an hour or so. Those are the bad things.

HOWEVER!

I know who my true friends are. My friends who knew me before say I've changed and come back out of the shell I'd been put into through his possessiveness. I know my limits. I know I can do more. I know what I want. I want to give something back to those who helped me... my family, my friends and, oddly, the medics!

So, if I just walk out it's because I'm panicking. If I give advice, it's because I've been there and done it. I'm no hypocrite. I'm a better person.

In conclusion, yeah things go wrong. You can be pulled down and down til you're a shadow of your former self. BUT the best bit is, you can climb back up again and laugh at them because they couldn't break you. They just tried to because they had nothing better to do with their sad, sorry, unhappy lives.

That's all bullies are... bored, unfulfilled people. Be more. It's not hard.

Peace Out
X

Heartthrobs from when "I wish I'd been alive in the...."'

David Essex - Gonna Make You A Star
(my mum likes him too!)

He has an amazing voice!
and Stardust WAS better than That'll Be The Day!
as proven... here...
"Show me a boy who never wanted to be a rock star, and I'll show you a liar"
(this bit's the end lol)


Visage - Fade To Grey
I don't know why this song isn't on more 80's albums... it's pretty awesome... and keeps getting ripped off! Give Steve Strange some credit, people!

SPEAKING OF RIP OFFS!

here is the ORIGINAL of Beggin' by Madcon. It's by Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons (as in "oh what a night!")


This, youth culture, is MUSIC. REAL ART! Not the poo that passes as music and film these days... and I fucking missed it!

Peace out
x

Pfft! This is stupid, really...

I'm not sorry if anyone disagrees with me, but I need to have a rant...

Prince Charles and Prince Harry are as human as the rest of us. You can't choose your parents. They didn't choose to be royals. Frankly, if you are offended you have too much time on your hands.
"Sooty" has said he doesn't give a shit and Charlie doesn't have a racist bone in him body. "Our little paki friend" has stayed quiet....

Would it be un-PC if they had called themselves these things? Probably not.
For example, my sister's fiancé is half-pakistani and a sufferer of crippling Multiple Sclerosis. Is it wrong for him to call himself a spasticated paki? No. However, doing it to a complete stranger would be wrong.

I don't dispute that there is a race issue in Britain. Stop picking on the royals and get to the streets where people are killing each other because of the colour of their skin.

Journalists, piss off. We don't need to hear these things. We are scared of murder, racism, peadophilia, war and other atrocities because you thrust them in our faces day after day after day. It's hardly surprising that people throw themselves in front of Northern Line tubes.... Stop telling us how shit we all are and maybe society can bring itself back up again and be a community, like in WWII.

Now, leave them alone and stop making us all miserable and hate each other.

Thank you.

I'm sorry, but this it truly the cutest, funniest video ever! :)